Choose Kindness

Every thought, word and deed sends out ripples altering life for everyone…We can transform ourselves and our world by changing the way we communicate… - Judah Freed

Kids don't always play nicely. A little wrestling is OK but it always goes too far no matter how many times you say, "stop before someone gets hurt". It is a wonder that children survive childhood. When my children were young, I felt more like a referee than a mother sometimes. I also discovered that if you have more than one pet, the dynamics between pets is similar to those between children. It also has a more universal application to humanity, in general, and underlies the chaos we see in society today.

I once had a nine pound Miniature Pinscher (Monster) and a nine pound Siamese cat (Bandit). Both were also similar ages, approximately one year old. Just kids. When these guys were resting, they could not let peace and quiet reign for very long. Bandit would lie close enough to stretch out her paw and touch Monster. Monster would react by biting Bandit's tail. Bandit would then tackle Monster by wrapping her paws around Monster's midsection and lying on top of her. The fight was on. Soon fur was flying accompanied by yelping and hissing.

This memory reminded me about how adults don't always play nicely either. You just have to post anything on Facebook these days and some troll will have something nasty to say. It is like they are just hanging out on their computer waiting for something to trigger them into action. Heaven forbid anyone posts something that can be construed as a political comment. Even the kindest opinions advocating for respect, inclusion, fairness and equity makes you a libtard, crazy far-left communist and a target for the most hateful characterizations. Then the fight is on.

This is not just happening on social media but is behaviour now condoned on the world stage by some. Is this just a symptom of a more pervasive shadow that permeates deep into our homes, relationships and communities but has now been given permission to show its face? Some have described this as an epidemic of narcissistic self-centredness and bullying as people become more digital-facing and less connected to others. However this behaviour has around forever. We see it in notorious leaders and their devastating deeds all throughout history.

We have all dealt with “schoolyard” bullies growing up. These were those insecure folks that often lacked social skills, felt threatened by others success and used physical intimidation. Then in the workplace we encounter adults who take-out their targets using slander campaigns and strategic moves to render the target unproductive and unsuccessful. These bullies create so much trouble for the individual in a covert way, that when the target complains, and brings the matter to light, they are seen as the one causing the workplace drama as the bully plays the victim. HR often mislabels and dismisses this bullying as “personality conflict” or “politics”.

Examples of bullying (in person, publicly, online or by email) includes spreading malicious rumours or gossip that are not true, excluding someone socially, deliberately trying to intimidate a person through threats or profanity, angry rhetoric, name-calling, undermining or deliberately interfering with a person's livelihood, harming a person's social connections and support systems, making offensive jokes, intruding on a person's privacy (pestering, spying or stalking), constant, persistence and unfounded criticism, belittling a person's opinions and tampering with a person's personal belongings.

In the workplace, examples of bullying includes removing areas of responsibly without cause, constantly changing work guidelines, withholding necessary information or purposefully giving the wrong information, assigning unreasonable duties, workload or establishing impossible deadlines (ensuring the individual will fail), reducing workload to create a feeling of uselessness, blocking applications for training, leave or promotion and tampering with a person's work equipment and resources. Also, they persistently take undeserved credit for the other person's hard work, focus on exposing the target's minute flaws or invent errors in their work.

Narcissists, however, take bullying to a new level. They are harder to detect. These folks gravitate to positions of power in our communities on local boards, in churches, as bosses in our workplaces and as leaders in business and politics. Their callousness allows them to easily climb the rungs of their careers, on the backs of others. They are charming, crave attention, must have the biggest voice in the room, need to be in control of their surrounding and use emotion and facts, as tools of deception, to be manipulated for their benefit. They are devoid of a moral compass because they have replaced their soul with a belief in their own authority and greatness. These folks work in secret and are dangerous social predators who use and destroy others as pawns in their plans.

Bullying Has Many Faces

It occurs in many places and situations.

It is often not recognized as bullying

It hides behind supposed “acts of kindness” or "just joking".

It pretends to be helpful or concerned.

It uses “good” deeds to cover evil intentions.

It is a terrible menacing action.

It is an impassioned, collective campaign.

It is the act of cowards.

That excludes, punishes, and humiliates its target.

It travels through the workplace like a virus.

It infects one person after another.

Until the victim is viewed as a terrible person,

With no redeeming qualities. - SG Williams

Victims of bullies and narcissists experience a wide range of stress related problems including headaches, stomach problems, depression, sleep disturbances and isolation. When targets complain in the community, they are often perceived as the problem, because the narcissist always plays the victim. Targets of bullying in the workplace are often forced to leave their life's work because they succumb to the effects of stress or are the recipients of a constructive discharge (a case fabricated to have them fired). Over time, the emotional toll on the individual and on our wider communities can be long term and tragic. The affects on society and the mental health of everyone is severely impacted by these nasty personalities.

Bandit and Monster eventually learned to play nicely with the introduction of a deterrent. At that time I also had Trigger. He was a ten year old ninety pound Doberman. When he had enough of the fighting, he would end the chaos with loud barking and intimidation. He wouldn't hurt the little guys but barked within a few inches of their ears and showed a row of teeth more than half the length of their little bodies. Their heads must have vibrated from the impact of the sound waves. Headaches and big teeth are great deterrents but that is not what us humans need.

For humans to combats the chaos in society, we need every individual to choose kindness, inclusion and acceptance of others. Willing ourselves to make this personal choice in our thoughts, deeds and in the way we communicate, with truth and empathy, is the answer. Kindness has an impact that ripples out to the greater world around us. Standing up for truth is kind. It educates us and provides illumination that shows the darkness for what it is. It helps us to understand bullying and recognize it when it is happening. Kindness is also courageous when it motivates us to stand up for others, go against the crowd, risking ridicule or worse and take a stand against these evil behaviours. When enough of us choose kindness, we will heal ourselves, heal others, change society and usher in a new and better world.